open letter to the poison ivy living in my yard.

Dear Positively~Annoying~Poison~Ivy~Family,

Hellllu, there! How you doing? Fine I hope.

Fine enough to pack your bags and move the heck out of Dodge, if you get my drift.

Who invited you into this neck of the woods anyway? I do not see you paying any property tax or pushing out any fragrant blossoms for my benefit.

You with your Leaves of 3, don't touch me!

I have tried my best to stay out of your way. God knows I have tried.

I have left you alone down there by the creek with these digging guys and these slithering ones but no you have to spread out...and move on...surrounding my sweet camp~site of a home here.

Give you an inch and you take a yard.

Mine.

Things have gotten so bad I have to watch Every Little Green Growing Thing I touch.

If it were not for these beauties blooming in mid~winter and these ones blooming up a storm right now {and pictured here in this open letter}, I might never even venture outside except to jump on an airplane or head off to the beach.

Why can't you give off some sort of special vibrating glow or maybe a soft buzzing sound when I come near?

"Warning,  somepinkflowers!You are getting warmer, warmer....STOP!" you might say in your most pleasing, polite voice.

That might give me a chance.

That might give me fair warning to avoid your death~ray sap which drives me plum crazy...

Sometimes I see you, sometimes I do not, but always and without fail, if you touch me it ends up costing me a fortune in $$$.

Do you have any idea how much this costs? Or this?

Good grief, not to mention my much needed rest as I scratch all the night long.

And there was that time I had to go to the doctor and get an Rx for this.

Man! You have no idea how bad~trippy that stuff makes me feel.

Or do you?

Look, evil and itchy ones, just tell me A Single Useful Thing about you. Just. One.

I so strongly believe in peaceful coexistence. I do. But the day you sprang up in a potted plant on my front porch was the last straw.

Now I will have to bring in The Big Guns.

You want aggression?

I'll give you aggresion...

I know I look all mild and gentle like a wee flower, but you haven't seen anything yet, buster brown.

The jig is up and I am giving you One Last Warning.

Hit the road, Jack.

Clearly you were not paying attention last summer when I personally relocated 10 tons of these guys with my own gloved hand .

Threw them way across the creek one by one, I did.  That was that...

Let that be a warning to you, Positively~Annoying~Poison~Ivy~Family.

I am no longer Ms. Nice~Nature~Chick when it comes to you anymore.

If there is one thing I know how to do in this world, besides getting out of town, it is getting rid of pests in my garden.

There is room enough for only one of us and you, innocent~looking weed, have got to go.

Have a nice life somewhere else, Poison Ivy Family. Please.

I remain,

Scratching all the while,

somepinkflowers

Comments

[Stephanie]

oh no!! I remember that you found some at Karen's!! How DARE this nasty fellow invade your pink paradise!!

I say...send 'em packin'

do those HUGE grasshoppers eat the poison ivy I wonder

and now off I go...hummmmming Poison IVY-yiey

[Elizabeth Wix]

Gosh we did miss you yesterday miss pink ( and today BLUE) flowers
what a delight to see your garden POISON IVY BEGONE............

Will we see you soon?

[erin :: the olive notes]

AUGH! I had poison ivy on my hand and a small bit on my forehead when I left for italy last month. I have no idea how those sneaky things get on me.

And you have the bursts of violet flowers on tall stalks that I'm loving around town right now. They're so happy.

[Vallen]

In the coastal forests and dark places inland we fight the neverending battle against poison oak. I myself have never been its target but remember well childhood friends who were reduced to wimpering itchy masses covered in pink calomine lotion. Onward, I say, irradication is the only way against this enemy. Full speed ahead, matey.

[3rdEyeMuse]

I'm soooo sorry & seriously feel for you .... but ... I can't stop laughing! what a riot of a letter. will keep my fingers crossed that the poison ivy gives up without much fight ...

[Wayfaring Wanderer]

I am one lucky dog, especially because I love the outdoors so.....don't want to rub it in your face or anything, but I am one of the few who is impervious to poison ivy!!

You certainly sound like a force to be reckoned with :o)